TUESDAY 2:02 AM

It was 2:02 AM. The front door squeals open. I step out into the black dead of night. Bone shivers creeping are warmed by the solitude and the silence. The time of the year where winter is still on the floor kicking but fading fast as spring is suffocating the life out of cold-hearted winter. Distant vehicles create a low hum. The high-tension wires that stretch across the barren field and hug the wooded tree line are behind me buzzing. Any electronic light is very far away. Natural light has the night off. The impending darkness rules tonight. I walk to my truck grab my cigarettes and view the vast scene. I wonder about what hides in the void tonight. Resident creatures scurry close by. Bizarre sounds of unknown origin howl in the distance. Sometime they sound as if they are moving closer but usually they retreat further into their illusive yet instinctual missions. Other strange beasts might be roaming around until the crack of dawn. Maybe some undiscovered secrets. You’ll never see them. They are anomalies of nature’s honest brutality. I would rather know them than my own kind. I could learn so much. I might be allowed to join them. Eat filthy foliage and eventually warm meat. I could leave all of my insecurities behind and focus on surviving. Fucking a mate with force. Make my way to the dominant role. Hunting with speed skill teeth and refine my biped primate advantages. Maybe hunt my old kind since I would know how they work. Something of old horror comic book tales. I would find it real. Something new and dangerous all for me. No more rules but the law of the pack. Natural law. Skeptics please go away. Stop reading this and go watch your television set and see if that can inspire some imagination or borrowed creative unforced thoughts. Those channels shove it down your throat. Entertainment is better live then telecast. Go find out for yourself. Make yourself sweat at least once a day, in any fashion. It’s healthy no matter what your doctor of spouse says.

Self-realization kicks in. I haven’t been this alone in quite some time. All of the animals are asleep inside. My lady lay in deep warm slumber. I have no reason to sleep. I hardly ever do. Lucid nightmares. Hating the day and the people who live in it. Art work saved for nights freedom. Simple pleasure sought in a curious film. Sleeping pills counter act insomnia. Lying awake next to a beautiful creature smarter and better than I. The morning pills are supposed to make me normal. I doubt their chemistry and science and controlled studies under the guise of categorized human egotism. Paranoia rages from anxiety. Attention deficit disorder mixed with depression and mood swings make me a step closer to the beast. A hopeless tomorrow stands behind yesterdays. They all battle it out deep inside, void of what we know as calculating time. Time is sometimes cruel, more than not but it can vary through one’s perception. The kind that’s chosen, dormant or taught. I know I can beat it all with time…

I haven’t felt this useless in a few days time. Loosing my value like sand grains falling in an hourglass. It’s their entire world that I just rent by default. Loosing my hope for any gainful purpose. Their logic is skewed and is loosing face more and more among their public pedestrian members everyday. What was deemed strong and dominant has fallen to fear and frustration. It’s a grim collective outlook. I could care less. Not much is all that different for me. I could deal with the worst, which has yet to come for us all. I’m not sure those around me feel the same. I am alone in that ghetto mentality. I wait for none of it to happen. I will exploit it to the best of my means. My ego is in her pocket book. I am now a token housewife facing domestic duties. I’m not that good at it. It’s sloppy work on my part for the most. Like a well-trained ape it’s not difficult. Not much unlike my old paychecks and what lead up to them. Self-meaningful distractions allure me.

The scenery enamors me once again. My focus shifts. Heavy chaotic real shit we will never be able to learn from any living being. They can break it down to the tiniest “element in a sea of deep organic compounds” since way before you and me. Two billion years of progress comes with a hefty price tag. It’s even more tragic when it’s all wasted on material distractions. Unattainable by all mankind. No matter how far our perceived progress moves it’s only a flash of time and it is insignificant. That bums people out. Tough shit. Accept your fate.

A few minutes have passed. I turn towards the sky. I miss some close friends that are somewhere far, far away who may be looking at the same star that I am at this very given moment. They are probably intoxicated and enjoying what I miss. I must admit a bit of jealousy and admiration for their journey. How selfish of me. I stand here sober and relevant in contemplation. They are free from that daytime boring melodramatic soap opera world. Forced televised serial curiosity in half hour full resolutions of the beautiful and important characters and all the fake people who play them episode after painful episode until it gets cancelled. A pure lack of interest does them in. I despise it. I see it poison in the ugly people on the street. Making themselves up with make up fashion and insecure lies. Self interest in emoting a lousy false image. Nudity is humbling to most of them. They wait in line for useless materials. It’s nothing that will ever amount to shit. Just sit on a shelf and collect dust. Gifts, bargains and sales on over priced under necessary items to boost an unhealthy economy with gluttonous consumer spending that they tell us will help all of us in our current social disease. It makes me think of holiday’s are celebrations of self-important bullshit. Where are their origins? All based on memorial nonsense of fairy tales that people worship and hold massive amounts of faith in. So stupid. Friendliness and manners are filtered through common courtesy and genetic obligation. I feel more alone and isolated. That is not necessarily a bad thing. Not for anyone to experience. Humility makes soft men strong after time unless you are genetically weak by nature. When will a confidence pill be released or is it already on the market.

The current thoughts of social inequities and issues make me regret the brain activity I just wasted. None of it matters. The people of the Far East used to be masters of meditation, free from such pedestrian distraction but the religious aspect ruined even that. A select few remain in populating this planet. They are fading away. So is this satirical inspiring evening. I force my mind back to its lonely beauty. The barren trees hold a sense of mystery and skeletal uneasiness. Luckily I enjoy the macabre. I scour the immediate lack of foliage within my rented yard as far as the darkness will allow. I acknowledge the solitude of knowing most are sleeping right now. I am a ghost in the driveway. No one knows where I am right now. That makes me smile. I wish another could be here to share this profound sense of liberty and understand it right next to me without the exchange of any words or expression. That would make this a nearly perfect evening. I don’t discount that notion and it makes it all the more important to me. Inspiring enough to document. Maybe to forever fall onto blind eyes or deaf ears and it wouldn’t matter. I deduce that the existences of these words are relevant, even if unknown by another soul. It doesn’t change the nighttime and it’s bewildered secrets. I might read it to an audience of my pets tonight. Just for the hell of it. I understand that will not compute the language but maybe they will feel the energy of my simple words. Talking about nothing at all. I love this shit. It keeps me alive and well. Find the time to take a moment that is available to step outside within the night. Find your own reason and keep it inside or share it with someone or everyone. Either way it matters not. It’s the idea of self-hope that supersedes the practicality or significance to worry about any impact on any other soul but it’s author. I am out there. Do not disturb my solace. I will respect yours. It so simple yet so few can understand.

CVW